I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
