Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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