dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
