I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just want to make out with him forever
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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