Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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