Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize