then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize