Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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