my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
