I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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