Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
