i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
this just has baby written all over it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
