Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
