a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
