There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize