hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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