Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
