If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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