This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
