I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
