My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
