Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
