I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
