the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
