Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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