good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize