listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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