Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
