dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
