one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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