The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
