she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
