I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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