I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
