when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
