Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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