i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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