he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
