The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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