i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
