I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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