did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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