Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
