Will you blow on my dice?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
