How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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