we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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