Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
