I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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