Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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