I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
