Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
