Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
