I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
