I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
where are my eyebrows?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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