I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
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