A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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