He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
