did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
