I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
