Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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