so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
