He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
