I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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