you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
