i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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