I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
