If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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