There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Are my feet made of real feet?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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