My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
